A letter to my child

Dear Child,

Hope you get to read this mail someday when the time is right which i feel is the teens for that is the right age for you to understand what I have got to say.

There is a saying which goes like this-'Its not what you do for your children, but what you have taught them to do for themselves that will make them successful human beings'. So it becomes my responsibility to tell you as to how to face the world that ceases to be all it used it has been till now for you. You get to see the real side of the world now- Competition, jealousy, selfishness, mistrust and what not. Yet, don't generalize that the world is bad for without all these, life becomes dull.

All I want to tell you is even I have been through all the uncertainties and the confusions that you are going through now. We as parents may sometimes be forced to succumb to the societal pressures and  would expect you to lead life in a certain way. It doesn't mean that we have stopped loving you or caring for you. Give us time, talk to us and make us understand as to what and why you think what you are doing is right.. we will surely understand and support you.

At this age, I do agree that all you need is a patient ear to hear what you got to say. Everything you see tempts you to give a try. I wouldn't stop you from doing what is right but please be honest and truthful to yourself. If you feel its right do it, when you are unsure, i am always there for you. Tell me what you are going through and how you are feeling for I can't read or understand all the zillion thoughts that swish across your mind. I do know that you are equally nervous as I am about you.

Be confident and bold about yourself. When you feel that something is wrong, stand up and fight for yourself and the ones who deserve to be fought for but also know when to hold back. If you realize that you have done something wrong, don't regret for we all learn from our mistakes. Each time you fall down, don't forget to pick yourself up and go on in life.

Stick to your principles. Never compromise on your ideals due to peer pressure but don't be resilient to change as well.

Though people say that love is surreal. I would say its the most beautiful feeling and a bliss if you find the right person. Don't shun away from it. All I request you is once you commit, never shudder away.. for it is wrong. There will be in-numerous dreams, hopes and aspirations from you. Never let down the person at any cost for you will be their support system. Also remember no relationship is perfect. It is within us to try to make it perfect. If need arises, fight for each other than fighting with each other. If there are misunderstandings, sit down and sort it out. Only when you feel that you are not amicable with each other and nothing can be done to keep the relationship alive, think of separation as it is the last resort. Remember that though there may be thousand reasons to give up, only one strong reason is enough to hold on.

Never cause pain to anyone. Nobody bothers if you are not of help but don't be the reason for someone's pain. If something is bothering you, take a break from what you are doing and contemplate with a calm mind. If it still bothers you, talk to anyone you are comfortable with.

Do not forget- You are special. Learn to listen to what your heart has got to tell for it know what is right for you. Be self-sufficient, self-confident and happy always but not self-centered.

When things go wrong, it is for a short period of time. Don't lose hope and give up. Once the tough phase passes, you will sit back and laugh at it. 

Lastly, if you are a girl, remember you are special and there is nothing impossible. When someone says that you cannot do it, put in a little more effort and see the results for yourself. Am sure it will leave the person spellbound. 

If you are a boy, please do respect women- be it your family or friends or the stranger on the road. Never degrade anyone for it doesn't harm them but you will fall in their eyes.

Never judge anyone for each person will be fighting their own demons, insecurities and shortcomings.

Live the moment else it becomes a memory.

Love you loads and here are my hugs and kisses..

Your loving Mom..

Mind's rumblings

Am not sure whether it is split personality or bipolar disorder that I am suffering from!

There are two me's.. One which asks me to:

1.trust people
2.love somone unconditionally
3.care for people around me
4.help the needy
5. Empathize with others 

Yet there is the second part of me that is more realistic and rings appropriate warning bells whenever I try to do any of the things that I have specified above and awakens the other me. It makes me recall the certain untoward and unexpected incidents that have happened over the past two years-

1. betrayals in friendship and in love..
2. Mistrust of people close to you..
3.The occassions when I couldn't get solace or support from people around me..
4.The rough times when I needed a shoulder to cry and I was offered none as the latter part took the better of me and refrained me from telling things to certain close people until I was strong enough to laugh off the incidents in the fear that others may laugh at my endeavours.

Which 'me' is going to win eventually?

Will I go back to become what I was a few years ago?

Will there ever be an end to the continuous raging battle in the form of my mind's rumblings?

May the best thing win.. Or has it already won in the process of reforming me into the person I am today- 'matured' and 'resilient'

You deserve someone better!!

Loving someone is easy however continuing to shower love to the person is way too difficult for many of us.
 
None of us are sure as to what and why things go wrong eventually. Primarily, expectations are what makes us apart. We tend to expect the person to treat us in a way we have been treated in the initial days of the relationship. 

The 'miss you', 'love you', 'let's meet up', 'can't wait to see you' kind of messages give way to 'talk to you later', 'am busy right now', 'Can't meet, stuck up with some work'. 

When things go from bad to worse and the road ahead is a dead-end, the most common excuse people come up with is 'You are good so you deserve someone better'.

My question is why say 'you deserve someone better' and not put efforts to become 'better' to the extent the person deserves?

The First Date

It is drizzling outside and all that is visible is the soft orange glow entering the restaurant's side wall from the mixture of headlights of the passing cars and the street lights placed equidistantly. 

Anushka is sitting in the corner table facing the street and her fingers are fidgeting the top end of the menu that the waiter had placed as her mind drifts to the evening she had met Rishabh. 

It was during an office party that they had met eachother. Anushka had come out of the dance bar to attend her mother's call. On disconnecting, she heard the hum of her favorite song coming from the direction of the artificial rivulet.

On walking towards the sound, she found that a lonely figure - Rishabh was humming the song. Seeing the startled expression on Rishabh's face, Anu blushed and introduced herself. Before they could know more about eachother, Anu's friends came out looking for her and took her inside. 

After a couple of days Rishabh and Anu bump into eachother in the lift and exchange smiles. A couple of such unprecedented meetings later Rishabh searches for her name in the office communicator and pings a 'hi'. 

The next day Anu responds to the ping saying she hadn't noticed the chat the previous day as she was on leave. Over the next few days they continue their conversations over the communicator. During the course of their conversations they find out that they have a lot of common interests.

One day, a week later, he offered to drop her home as he had to meet his friend and Anu's house was on the way. On reaching her house they exchange their numbers and Rishabh hurried to meet his friend. On returning home he sees a message from Anu thanking him for the ride home.

On friday evening he gives her a call and asks her to meet him at the coffee shop at 6 to which she reluctantly agreed. Now here she is, waiting for the guy whom she had known for less than a fortnight.

Rishabh comes and sits opposite to her and apologizes for being late to which she smiles. He is wearing an Indigo colored checkered shirt which is accentuating his striking features.

They speak for an hour about the general stuff and when they get ready to leave, he asks her if they can go on a drive to which she readily agrees.

They drive for half an hour and it surprises her when she sees the place he has brought her. It was the same place where they had first met.

She goes to the bench near the rivulet and sits down and he follows her with a rose in his hand.

He gives her the rose and asks her to marry him to which she is surprised. Tears start to roll down her cheek and she nods in approval to his proposal.

Is the wait worth waiting for?

Sanjana: there is no point talking to you. You never understand.

Rakesh: hey I have always been like this. You failed to see the reality and now you are blaming me.

Sanjana: yes am at fault for having misjudged you. Anyway good bye.

The line went dead and tears started streaming down her eyes. She closed her eyes tight to stop the flashes of the in numerous conversations that had happened between them. She sat there helplessly waiting for his call.

It had been four months after the conversation and she had not got any sort of communication from him.

Sanjana was working when she had got a mail on her personal mail one and half years ago. It was his mail asking for her number. She sent him her number and in less than five minutes she got his message. Her joy knew no bounds as he had vanished all of a sudden a few months before and had returned when she had lost all hopes.

As a couple of months flew by, they both started liking each other. However after three months of seeing each other one day he said that he was no longer sure about their relationship as he was hurt due to his past.

The first crack appeared then and the innumerous attempts of Sanjana to determine what went wrong between them failed. As days flew, their daily conversations turned out to be weekly then fort-nightly and off-lately as and when he needed.

A lot was happening in Sanjana's life at the moment- her close friend had walked out on her, her dream of doing masters was washed in drain as she got to know that the name of the postgraduate degree she had enrolled would be getting changed as per UGC norms, the pressure to perform in her new team and the pressure to get married (though not from her parents). All these in addition to Rakesh's ignorance.

He failed to listen to her and had started to call her when he had something to share or crib about.

The conversation before the last call had gone like this:

Rakesh: why are you not getting married? are you still pondering over me?

Sanjana: (stiffling a tear) lets not talk about this as was decided and agreed upon earlier.

Rakesh: I understand but tell me is it because of me that you are rejecting everyone?

Sanjana: ( thinks in her mind afraid to confess: yes.. I still love you) no

Rakesh: hmmm. Am sorry for what I have done. You were the one who brought me out of the dark
(called love) don't push me into it. I have no where else to go apart from you.

After few mins of talking the topic got re-diverted to Sanjana's marriage.
 
Rakesh: don't be like this. I feel guilty.

Sanjana: why should you be guilty? if I say that I m waiting for you will you accept and marry me? 

Rakesh: no. I can't marry u as I have not thought about marriage yet. You deserve someone better
 
Sanjana: hmmm (thinks when you are not accepting me who else will?)

Similar conversations had happened between the two of them for over an year. Sanjana had thought that Rakesh would accept her someday yet till date he has not returned.

Will Rakesh return?

Can Sanjana wait till then?

Or have they moved on?

Is the wait worth waiting for??

Only time will tell..

A dream worth forgetting...

Swasthi awakened with a start, and after a moment she sat up, blinking, adjusting her eyes to the pre-dawn darkness. The room was filled with silence. She was still thinking of her dream, the first in the last twelve months, which was surreal.

She remained still, breathing deeply, pushing away the feeling, knowing that it was... just a feeling.

She lay on her bed thinking why she had got the dream when it couldn't materialize. But then, every happening has a validity, is vivid, lifelike; even now as she rested against the pillows, she recollected his face as she had seen his profile pic in a networking site a few months ago.

A tear droplet ran down her cheek making a blotch on the white pillow case having pink florets. She could feel the damp of the droplet and her thoughts took her to the world which she had dreamt when he was in her life. Slowly the tears turned out to be a small stream thus breaking the revire of her thoughts.

She sat up, switched on the bedside lamp, slid her legs across the floor and walked to the couch that lay at the other end of the room. She realized that she was bathed in sweat despite the chill.

She sat down on the couch, folded her legs, she could feel the chill of the wind that was seeping into the room through the crevice in the window. She was staring into the blank wall in front of her, contemplating the dream she had a few minutes back.

He was there beside her, talking to her in the same husky voice,  twitchy smile on his lips and  sparkle in his eyes. Post which he held her hand and apologized to her for having dumped her without any fore-warning despite knowing how much she loved him.

The dream was rooted in an uncanny reality and had shaken her. A question hovered over her mind.. Why the dream now that it has almost been an year since he had gotten married and had moved out of country along with his bride to set up a new home away from the home that they (swasthi and he) had imagined..

Does he even remember her? guess no.. He seemed to be very happy and adjusted to the life he had carved for himself.

The memories that they have had together came flooding through her mind. They had met through a common friend. What started off as casual friendship had turned out to be more in less than five months, the bond being such that they couldn't be without talking to each other and expressing their emotions for even a single day.

The second time they met, he took her for a ride on his bike. the brief handshake they had, had given her a frisson, and this shivery feeling ran through her spine. Like in the movies, he was seeing her through the rear view mirror and having sensed that she was blushing sitting behind.

Then they went to a coffee bar, ordered cold coffee for both of them and spoke as if there was no end. later he dropped her to the nearest stop where she could get a bus back home as she had refused his offer to be dropped near her home.

As he reached home, he called her to tell she looked gorgeous in the black kurta and the creame pant. She said he looked good in the green t-shirt. After hearing this he blew a first kiss to her over the phone which she reciprocated.

She was still thinking about that day when she heard the bark of the neighbour's dog that brought her to reality. Suddenly she sat up straighter and thought why she had got the dream which had him? it was then that she realized that she had dozed off while reading the fiction- secret wishlist by her favorite author Preeti Shenoy. She was reading the part wherein the protagonist makes a secret wishlist due to her cousin's force.

It dawned to her then that though she had started believing that she had moved on in life, she still loved him. Suddenly there was a wrench in her stomach and her hand slid from across her chest to clutch her stomach. Tears started rolling down and she let them flow, sobbing as though her heart would break, until finally there were no tears left in her.

Glancing at the small clock on her bedside table she saw that it was already four a.m. On an impulse she so wanted to tell him what happened, but stopped and pushed herself up out of the coach very purposefully, and, turning off the lamp, she went back to bed.

He was married to someone else and that was that. Sadly, she was  still single.

Journey of life-II

No matter how many people you know or how many friends you have, most of the times you have to tread the journey of life alone as no one promises to be with you forever. So never expect anything from others not even to reciprocate your love.. They dint ask you to love or care for them.. you decided that they deserve your care and affection. So you should be prepared to take the pain when you start caring for someone.. 

A Letter From Yesterday

Poets often describe Love as an emotion that we can’t control, one that over whelms logic and common sense. That’s what it was like for me. I dint plan on falling in love with you, and I doubt if you planned on falling in love with me. But once we met, it was clear that neither of us could control what was happening to us. We fell in love (at least I think so), despite our differences, and once we did, something rare and beautiful was created for me, love like that has happened only once, and thats the reason every minute we spent together has been seared in my memory. I will not forget a single moment of it.

I know it can’t be the same between us, but that doesn’t change the way i felt about you then. Though I don’t describe it as a passionate relationship, I am convinced that it is not necessary to be fulfilled in a relationship, even with the person I intend to marry. Passion fades with time, thus allowing companionship and compatibility to take its place.

There have been times when we were not in talking terms and that has been the time when I have missed you the most. Many a times I would feel like contacting you, just to know that you are alright. Though I would draft messages and mails to send you, I would stop myself fearing what I might find. What if you had gone on in your life and I dint want to think about you loving someone else. I wanted to remember us like we were together. I don’t want to ever lose that.

U and I were different, coming from different worlds and yet you were the one who taught me the value of love. You showed me what it was like to care for another, and I am a better person because of it. I don’t want you to ever forget that.

I am not bitter because of what has happened. On the contrary, I am secure in knowing that we were real, and I am happy that we were able to come together, for even a short period of time. And if, in some distant place in the future, we see each other in our new lives, I will smile at you with joy and remember the good times we have had with each other, learning from each other and growing in love. And may be, for a brief moment, you will feel too, and you will smile back, and savor the memories we will always have together.

I Love you