Confessions of a wounded heart

One song is playing in my mind and also on my phone’s play list since a couple of days. Since the first time I have heard this song, I have fallen in love with it. Each time I listen to it, your memories come gushing to my mind
These are a couple of lines from the song which are special to my heart which goes like this:
“Jo Bhi saanse mein bharu, who tere sang bharu..
Chahe jo ho raastan who tere sang chalu..”
And “Mujhe dhoonde jab koin, tere aankhon mein milu..”
These were exactly the same thoughts that I have cherished since the day I started loving you.

Though I very well know that you have long since stopped loving me (this is evident in your temperament towards me as well as the innumerous conversations where you have specified that you have loved me for a very short period). However I don’t care if you reciprocate my love or not cos I have realized that we should not expect to be loved in return
I had considered myself to be strong and nothing could bog me down until I realized I loved you. As days flew by and our conversations got lengthier, I lost myself completely to you. There came a time when I couldn’t concentrate on anything apart from you. To add to my feelings, you fueled the thought process by talking about us. In reality, though the day never came, I cherish them. Sometimes my eyes swell with tears and more often I console myself thinking that they are haunting memories
I had never thought that someone whom I had not even met could weaken me so much. I accept my mistake of not meeting you inspite of your regular meeting proposals. It was just that I dint want to lose the sweet memories of the couple of unexpected meetings
However I do not want to impose myself or force you to re-consider our relationship as it would be short-lived. I just wish you good luck to move on in life and find a partner who befits your expectations
Good Luck!!!

P.S. This was penned before October but couldn’t post it. Today I am very happy with your decision about your life. I have seen your gal’s pic and she seems to be as u have wanted her to be

The three musketeers

As i was returning home, a trio got down the bus hurriedly and rushed to KFC's this reminded me of my initial days in OFSS when the three of us- Chaz, geez and myself would party hard (lol) in the food court of our techpark..

we have partied during happier times, sad times.. trust me even when one of us would have been scolded by our bosses we would party or when we were scolded by our parents we would party..

the best part was we would be tired, frustrated and angry on the way to the food court but we would emerge as penguins (stuffed till the neck)

earlier the frequency would be once in a week , usually fridays, but later since one of us entered the next phase of life, our outings became less frequent today.. Though the group has increased in size to 8, i miss those special moments shared by the three musketeers.. the bonding and affection that we shared is different..

Thanks gals for making it special

How life changes

Today i was checking out pics on a social networking site and i happened to see my cousin's photo..
Yes though she is my cousin (1st cousin), i haven't met her past 3 years due to some incident that happened which has distanced us apart though we stay in the same city yet we are separated. we have spoken to each other though unintended for a couple of times.

Frankly speaking we never got along well with each other due to the very small age-gap between the 2 of us. She was 3 months younger to me and since we studied in the same class (standard.. though not the same school luckily)there was intense competition to excel and stand first.

Now i see a lot has changed between what we were then and what we are now.

We would meet a few times in a year when we all gathered in our ancestral home to spend the summer vacation yet we were like a house on fire. Me, being short tempered and she being naughty.. today i look back and think why i was so serious about life and dint chill.. i wonder if i have not enjoyed my life to the fullest...

today no matter what i do, i cant recreate the memories i would want it to be :(

ಕರುಣಾಳು ಬಾ ಬೆಳಕೆ....

ಕರುಣಾಳು ಬಾ ಬೆಳಕೆ ಮುಸುಕಿದಿ ಮಬ್ಬಿನಲಿ ಕೈ ಹಿಡಿದು ನಡೆಸೆನ್ನನು.

ಇರುಳು ಕತ್ತಲೆಯಾ ಗವಿ ಮನೆದೂರ ಕನಿಕರಿಸಿ ಕೈ ಹಿಡಿದು ನಡೆಸೆನ್ನನು
ಹೇಳಿ ನನ್ನಡಿ ಇಡಿಸು ಬಲು ದೂರ ನೋಟವನು ಕೇಳಲೊಡನೆಯೆ ಸಾಕು ನನಗೊಂದು ಹೆಜ್ಜೆ.
ಮೊನ್ನೆ ಇಂತಿರದಾದೆ ನಿನ್ನ ಬೇಡದೆ ಹೋದೆ ಕೈ ಹಿಡಿದು ನಡೆಸೆನ್ನನು
ಕರುಣಾಳು ಬಾ ಬೆಳಕೆ ಮುಸುಕಿಡಿ ಮಬ್ಬಿನಲಿ ಕೈ ಹಿಡಿದು ನಡೆಸೆನ್ನನು
ಇಷ್ಟು ದಿನ ಸಲಹಿರುವೆ ಈಮೂಕನನು ನೀನು, ಮುಂದೆಯೂ ಕೈ ಹಿಡುದು ನಡೆಸದಿಹೆಯಾ ?
ಕಷ್ಟದಡವಿಯ ಕಳೆದು ಬೆಟ್ಟ ಹೊಳೆಗಳ ಹಾದು, ಇರುಳನ್ನು ನೂಕದಿಹೆಯ ?
ಬೆಳಗಾಗ ಹೊಳಯದೆ ಹಿಂದೊಮ್ಮೆ ನಾನೊಲಿದು ಈನಡುವೆ ಕಳಕೊಂಡ ದಿವ್ಯ ಮುಖ ನಗು ತಾ.
ಇರುಳು ಕತ್ತಲೆಯಾ ಗವಿ ಮನೆದೂರ ಕನಿಕರಿಸಿ ಕೈ ಹಿಡಿದು ನಡೆಸೆನ್ನನು
- B M Shree

The original English composition by John Henry Newman is as follows:

Lead, Kindly Light, amidst th'encircling gloom,
Lead Thou me on!
The night is dark, and I am far from home,
Lead Thou me on!
Keep Thou my feet; I do not ask to see
The distant scene; one step enough for me.
I was not ever thus, nor prayed that Thou
Shouldst lead me on;
I loved to choose and see my path; but now
Lead Thou me on!
I loved the garish day, and, spite of fears,
Pride ruled my will. Remember not past years!
So long Thy power hath blest me, sure it still
Will lead me on.
O’er moor and fen, o’er crag and torrent, till
The night is gone,
And with the morn those angel faces smile,
Which I have loved long since, and lost awhile!
Meantime, along the narrow rugged path,
Thyself hast trod,
Lead, Saviour, lead me home in childlike faith,
Home to my God.
To rest forever after earthly strife
In the calm light of everlasting life."



P.S http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lead,_Kindly_Light

Emptiness of the soul

It takes immense strength to pretend as if one is strong even after realizing that one’s world has fallen apart ;(

Having seen your photo in a social networking site in the morning, i was bitten by the emptiness of my soul. Had never felt so empty in my life for anything. :-(

Evening seeing your status as engaged to someone, felt as though my world came crashing down. Knew this had to happen someday but had not expected it so soon.

At least now I hope that I will be able to decide with a clear mind and thoughts will be pure as I will not be guilty of breaking one’s heart.

I would like to thank you for all the undue support and guidance you have given me.

Remembering this line from one of the best movies- “Baala daariyali bere aadru chandira baruvanu namma jote..”
(Though we are separated in our lives, we will still be lead by the moon)

I don't have the courage to ask god why me? cos i have got the best of things in my life. Yet you have been the only diversion and the only failure of my life.

I had let go of you thinking that eventually you will be mine but today i have realized that there was no 'US'.. We were never nor are we destined to be together.

Just hoping that the best is yet to come. After all, there have been a lot of hopes.. All i can tell is though I couldn’t love you the way you had expected to be loved, I loved you in the best way I could.

Few things I learnt from our 'friendship' are never to beg anything especially Love from anyone as it doesn’t create a dew drop of love in the other person’s heart. Also never express your love explicitly to anyone as it doesn’t affect the feelings of the other person. utlimately its i alone who have to cry and suffer.. :(


Today I have lost you forever. Lastly my question is dint you know about your engagement when you had called me on Friendship day? Or should I say I have a better answer for your silence past few months. But the best part is you have found your love for life who is very beautiful just as you had expected her to be.

I still remember you had told me that since i wouldn't come to meet you often, u couldn't inculcate feelings for me and today i presume that inspite of the geographical distance between u and your fiance you still have agreed to get married. 

Dint you ever know that we are not made for each other when you had made me build our virtual world filled with everything we love or was it just my illusion?

Was i dreaming when you told me that you were re-designing your room and that the dressing table and the cupboard are for me? or when we were going on our virtual long drives each night? or when you would say - dear i am waiting for you in the bus stop just to pick you? Or did you forget the virtual vacations to Switz and NZ?

today i am realizing that the practical world is much different from what we dream of..

Good Bye i wish you all the best for your life's journey.

The betrayal

We all tend to make promises but its very difficult to keep upto them. We lie to our loved ones just not to hurt them but have we ever thought of the consequences of they finding out the truth through other means? Well actually no.. We all try to evade from the evident present thus ruining our beautiful tomorrows. Also how far can we live in deceit?
it is better to hurt the person with your truth than strengthen the relationship with your lies. The most common betrayals include hiding our love towards a person and pretending as though we dont care. By the way whom are we pleasing with our care-free attitude? Neither are we happy nor are we maintaining a cordial relation with people around us.
Betrayal may be adjudged as an extension of love but in my humble opinion, its politics - politics of betrayal. All of us would have experienced the taste of proverbial double-cross at some point of our lives.
Usually even if the betrayed realises the betrayal he/she might pretend being ignorant just to save the relationship.
Close kin or 'friends' adept at this kind of politics, who might have stabbed you in the back are worthy of the sobriquet only. In such instances, the "tit for tat" attitude wouldn't behove the victim. One may not have the courage or infact knowledge to be aware of would-be betrayers either. Therefore there is only one wise thing to be done- to strive and become a stronger individual after such experiences and to move on boldly in life..

Lastly we must always love our lives as it alone teaches us the ways to move on and lead a fuller life just as we cherish it to be..
Love you Zindagi

Failure

A Letter From Yesterday

Poets often describe Love as an emotion that we can’t control, one that over whelms logic and common sense. That’s what it was like for me. I dint plan on falling in love with you, and I doubt if you planned on falling in love with me. But once we met, it was clear that neither of us could control what was happening to us. We fell in love (at least I think so), despite our differences, and once we did, something rare and beautiful was created for me, love like that has happened only once, and thats the reason every minute we spent together has been seared in my memory. I will not forget a single moment of it.

I know it can’t be the same between us, but that doesn’t change the way i felt about you then. Though I don’t describe it as a passionate relationship, I am convinced that it is not necessary to be fulfilled in a relationship, even with the person I intend to marry. Passion fades with time, thus allowing companionship and compatibility to take its place.

There have been times when we were not in talking terms and that has been the time when I have missed you the most. Many a times I would feel like contacting you, just to know that you are alright. Though I would draft messages and mails to send you, I would stop myself fearing what I might find. What if you had gone on in your life and I dint want to think about you loving someone else. I wanted to remember us like we were together. I don’t want to ever lose that.

U and I were different, coming from different worlds and yet you were the one who taught me the value of love. You showed me what it was like to care for another, and I am a better person because of it. I don’t want you to ever forget that.

I am not bitter because of what has happened. On the contrary, I am secure in knowing that we were real, and I am happy that we were able to come together, for even a short period of time. And if, in some distant place in the future, we see each other in our new lives, I will smile at you with joy and remember the good times we have had with each other, learning from each other and growing in love. And may be, for a brief moment, you will feel too, and you will smile back, and savor the memories we will always have together.

I Love you

Nudisale Hosa Maatina Lyrics - Kiccha Huccha

Nudisale Hosa Maathina Padanisa
Gamanisu Nasu Naachike Navarasa
Atiyaada Olavali.. Mithiyaa Meeribidale..
Tusu Ithi Mithi Jothe
Ide Thara Nanna Sataayisu
Gamanisu Nasu Naachike Navarasa
Nusidale Hosa Maathina Padanisa

Virasa Sarasa Eradu Idhe Nannalli..
Nageya Naduve Haniyondhidhe Kannalli..
Anubharisuva Sanjeyali.. Ramisu Ninna Tolinali..
Ondhu Mutthu Needadhene.. Toru Preethi Bere Reethi
Nudisale Hosa Maathina Padanisa
Gamanisu Nasu Naachike Navarasa

Viraha Enuva Padhave Nanaginnilla..
Saniha Iruva Kelasa Nanaginnella..
Iduvaregina Ekaantha.. Ilisiruvenu Edeyindha..
Thooka Haaki.. Nodu Neene.. Nanna Preethi Thumba Jaasthi..
Nudisale Hosa Maathina Padanisa
Gamanisu Nasu Naachike Navarasa
Atiyaada Olavali.. Mithiyaa Meeribidale..
Tusu Ithi Mithi Jothe
Ide Thara Nanna Sataayisu
Gamanisu Nasu Naachike Navarasa
Nusidale Hosa Maathina Padanisa

The Pain of Separation :(

All of us would have experienced the pain of separation at least once in our lives

For me its been a continuous journey as life.

There have been times when people whom we consider as our own move away from us, though for our own good.

The initial separation was when i had to stay away from my parents at the tender age of 5 to pursue my studies. Mom had to stay with dad in his town of work and since she wanted me to have a good education, i was made to join school in a different place than where they stayed. Though i stayed at my Gran's place i would miss my parents a lot and also the warmth of my mom's hug. Everyday after school and after finishing the day's homework would stand near the gate looking forward to see my dad's jeep on the pretext of waiting for my grand-dad. Many a times had to conceal my tears so as to not worry my Grand parents.
Would re-read the letters written by mom (Those were the days when there were no telephones).

and in the night would cry into the pillow for a long time till i slept.
Made a few friends at school but the only friends were my uncle and cousin with whom i would play after school.
My parents would come twice or thrice in a month and would stay for three to four days which seemed too less.. On the day they left for the other city, i would take my position near the gate and keep looking at them till they were out of my view.
I would look forward to visit my parents during my holidays.
Then as years went by, when i was in 5th standard, sister joined me here and in a few days mom too joined us.. Then it was the turn to miss my dad, who would come every week-end. Now that i had mom with me, i started faring well in my studies (better than before).


As years went by, had to join a new school leaving behind my friends of 7 years and start a new journey. Found it very difficult to adjust to the new environment.Made a few friends and the end of three years had to move out of the school to join a college. It was very saddening as we knew that most of us would be in different colleges pursuing the career of our choice.


After 2 years of Pre-university education( during which i started penning my thoughts in my diary to Sahrudhi ), joined engineering which changed the course of my life. During these 4 years learnt a lot about life. It was here that i met Aruna who showed me the real meaning of friendship. We would go to college together, sit beside each other, have lunch together and sometimes study together. She had to discontinue her third year and again i was left alone. We stopped meeting each other due to various reasons. Those days in college was very boring as i had lost my only friend. Then came another friend in my life who taught another face of life. I trusted her only to realize at a later stage that i was being used as a tissue. But one good thing is she introduced me to a friend of hers who eventually turned out to be a great friend of mine. This person helped me a lot on my personal and career front. But as the saying goes- 'all good things have to come to an end', this person too ventured away from my life at a time when i needed a friend the most. :( 

Again the journey of loneliness started.. 

After enduring the constant pain of separation, i have learnt that 'change is the only constant thing in life'. Better to live alone rather than losing someone :(